So there I was roysh, life focked, reputation focked, finances focked - everything completely focked, roysh, and we're talking big time. And it's all Fionn's fault, basically. He's the four-eyed focker who told me that, like, the first time you do it, roysh, you're firing blanks. Like an unloaded Uzi - seriously impressive, hard as fock and totally ready for action, but the safety's, like, on, you know. Well that was a pile of stinking turds for storters. And of course it's muggins here who ends up with the kid - life is SO focking unfair. On top of all that, roysh, the goys stort to, like,...

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly thought he knew all he needed to about women's bodies... And now he's getting a biology lesson he could have so lived without ... Sometimes, life just isn't fair to the babe magnet supremo.

Gives you the low-down on South Dublin - a land which boasts of more yacht clubs per head of population than Monte Carlo, where girls talk like Californians, where rugby is the number one religion and where it's possible to buy a Cappuccino - at Champs Ely