I feel this . . . thing inside me. Just here. Next to my heart. It's small. The size of sparrow. I don't know what it looks like. But I know it's got claws because it scratches. And I imagine it to be dark blue - mauve almost - like the veins on my mum's hands. I hear it talking. Its voice is high pitched and screeching. It's talking about all the things we've done.

A wickedly comic satire about a young couple offered a way out of the housing crisis, and just how far they're prepared to go for it.

Ollie and Jill want to tell you about their dream home. Some of the things...