The only way to survive college and life is to imagine that every day is Halloween. As cynical as that might sound, it is kind of true. People think they are demi-gods, but they put a mask over that shit. People think they deserve more, but they put a mask over that shit. People think that their morals supersede other people's morals, but they put a mask over that shit. In any event, these "exaggerated" short stories might help you avoid the same mistakes. Or, these "minimalized" short stories might provide a humoristic aside to your future mistakes. In any event, beware of poisonous snakes

After returning from a debilitating existential endeavor, Phatman and Picard discover that Michael Moore is now the ONLY son of God. And against all odds, Phatman and Picard learn more about themselves and who they want to spend the rest of their lives with....regardless of the fact that they are going to a hell'ier place when they die for repeatedly orgasiming to the wrong thoughts. Will Picard ever find his long lost turtle? Will Phatman have a thought baby? Will anybody else in the universe have a thought baby? And, will Phatman and Picard find their way home? Whatever the answers may be,...

Geniuses aren't normal. That is NOT to say I'm a genius, mostly because everybody has their own opinion as to what a genius must be, but all that is beside the point for the time being. For the time-being, you need to find food and shelter. After you accomplish that, you might look up and/or down and wonder about the universe around you. In the event that this occurs, I have crafted this book with the utmost care that coffee can instill within me. Unfortunately, the first thing I do in this book is point out that Einstein wasn't always right. (BTW, I still think Einstein is a genius and I...

In a universe with unlimited time and absolutely no reason, Phatman and Picard will spend One More Year. And even though they will ultimately lose the Second Annual Prayer-Off, they learn more than their minds can contain.

Blessed with another year, Phatman and Picard prepare for the Third Annual International Prayer-Off. And amidst their own personal turmoil, Phatman and Picard battle a crazy Walnut Tree, Picard joins the League of Extraordinary Papals, and Phatman bruises his duodenum.

As a result of heads thinking too much in a DIFFERENT branch of the universe, this Phatman and Picard are 200% heterosexual. Unfortunately, to save the universe, these two heads have to hump, bump, thump, and ca-chunk their way through the universe. Only then, will the universe be saved from the horrors that have come about because of Michael Moore.

Being a slave to the universe is difficult...especially when you don't get paid. In light of this, Phatman and Picard must travel to the furthest ends of their minds in hopes of bedding the allusive African American beast. Will Phatman lose sight of his wiener? Will Picard learn how to fly? Or, will they simply diffuse into the universe without making a single contribution to society? Wait, you already know the answer...but do you know how they got there?

Stubborn people demand that love is everlasting and intangible, but in truth, not so much. As a result of this, Phatman wields every psychological-gray-area and a few modes of torture to ensure that his long game includes Monique and their genie bottle derivation. Unfortunately, Phatman isn't the only one seeking Monique's affection, the world is a crazy place, and Monique can't think straight. All of which, concludes in a dramatically odd conclusion...give or take a little drama.

Means to an end doesn't mean you have the right to torture people. That is not to say I've been tortured, but I have had an odd amount of "alone time" to be retrospective and introspective. With regards to introspection, there seems to be a pattern to the evolution of elements as it pertains to unique planetary characteristics, which relates to the evolution of carbon based life-forms. As for the retrospection, there is a reason why most people try to keep busy, but that is beside the point. The point is, I think most Texans hate evolution. In any event, reading these postulates will...