In a future BBC, the jewel in Auntie's crown is its new soap, Hackney Wick. Its predecessor, EastEnders, has been snapped up by Rupert Murdoch in a deal so profitable to both parties that it has a page of its own in the Guinness Book of Records. As EastEnders Worldwide, it is a runaway success - now that the actors have been given a crash course in cockerney at the Dick Van Dyke Academy. Back home all is change. Martin Forrest is BBC Television's Head of Rationalisation. Known - unaffectionately - as Head Rat, his victims are many and his record for undermining and dumbing down the BBC's...