WARNING: The satire you are about to read will change the way you look at our nation's leaders. FOREVER.

In November 2012, General David Petraeus stepped down from his post as director of the CIA when it was exposed that he'd had an affair with his biographer, Paula Broadwell. The political scandal that unfolded would eventually include four-star generals, socialites, FBI agents, the Army, a stuffed Sasquatch, and the entire cast of TLC's Sister Wives.

Hundreds, thousands--maybe millions--of e-mails were exchanged between these parties. Their computers...