A man walks into a bar and sees his ex-girlfriend. "Hey," he says, "I was screwing my new girlfriend last night, but I was thinking about you." "Why? Do you want to get back together?" "No. It keeps me from coming too quick." What's the best thing to do when you see your wife staggering around on your front lawn? Shoot her again. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning? Because they don't have any balls to scratch. A man walks into a bar and orders a martini. He slams it down, looks in his shirt pocket and orders another. He repeats this five times, then asks for the tab....

"Can I," Little Rodney Redneck asked his father, "have some money for some Red Man?" "What happened to the five-dollars I gave you Saturday for shoveling horseshit?" asked dad. "I've been giving it to the old homeless man in the park." Dad is so proud of Rodney. His kindness and Christian charity. He opens his wallet and hands him a five dollar bill. "I'm proud of you Johnny, but this money you keep for yourself. If you continue giving them money, the lazy-ass homeless will never get a job." "But this homeless guy already has a job." "Really? What does he do?" "Every Saturday morning, for...

What's worse than having your doctor tell you have gonorrhea? Having your dentist tell you. The doctor said, "I want you to strip, walk to the open window, then wave your cock-and-balls around." "Do they need air?" "Not really. I just hate that asshole lawyer across the breezeway." Why do surgeons wear masks during operations? So if they fuck up no one can ID them. Why are lawyers buried 30 feet under the ground? Because down deep they're probably alright. "You need to eat a high fiber diet," the doctor told the heart patient, "quit smoking, and get some exercise." "What about sex?" "Just...

A young woman enters the confessional and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Last night I made love to a complete stranger seven times." "Go home and squeeze the juice of seven lemons into a small glass and drink it down as quickly as you can." "Will that wash away my sins?" No, but it will take that smile off your face." Why don't Baptists fuck standing up? They're afraid it might lead to dancing. Three men arrive at the Pearly Gates at the same time and St. Peter says, "Religion?" "Methodist." "Door six, but be quiet as you pass door four." To the second man: "Religion?" "Jewish."...

Norman Babbit never thought seventh grade would be like this When Norman skipped a grade and entered junior high a year early he thought his life would be great. But the school bully forces Norman to do his homework, his younger sister is a brat, his English teacher hates him, his older brother is trying to fill in for his deceased father, and his mother thinks all Norman's problems are dietary. If it weren't for his best friend Chris and his pet owl Luigi, Norman would go crazy. With the deadline for his science project approaching as fast as a showdown with the bully, the smartest kid in...

The essays in this book were written over the last four years and published in various, mostly small and obscure, publications. Their common themes are, now that I've seen them all together: Contradiction and Survival. Contradiction: I say in one essay that I've given up writing non-fiction articles (like the ones collected here) to concentrate on fiction. Then, in a later essay, I speak of shotgunning out 30 article proposals in 30 days. I also flip-flop and waffle on the importance of marketing and critique groups. This isn't because I can't make up my mind, it's because writing is a...

Doris said to her sister, "I have to be extremely careful not to get pregnant." "But I thought Bill got a vasectomy?" "Precisely." What's the best thing to do when you see your wife staggering around on your front lawn? Shoot her again. Why are men smarter when they're making love? They are plugged into a fucking know-it-all. What do a fat chick and a moped have in common? They're both fun to ride, but you never want your friends to see you on one. A bride-to-be knows exactly what type of music she wants played at her wedding. She auditions 20 pianists before this musician plays an original...

Davis O'Kane is embroiled in an IRS audit, a divorce, a burgeoning romance, a harrowing relapse into gambling addiction, and an accumulation of dead friends and acquaintances. The cops want answers but Davis has only more questions. Add to this Nevada high-desert drama a crooked horse race, a bitter custody battle for his twin daughters, and a scientific scheme to beat the roulette wheel and you have Fish Stories.

Walmart to Wolf House: Sonoma County Essays is a collection of writing from 1983 to 2015. It's concerned with family, Jack London, shopping at Walmart, beer, cancer, Bonsai, writing, impact craters, Homer Simpson, and marathon running. Rob Loughran has published 23 books and over 300 articles in national magazines. Twenty-nine of those articles are collected inside.